Archive | February, 2013

“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?” – George Carlin

20 Feb

Hello, and welcome back to the RING – OF – INSANITY!

*crowd cheering*

Anyways,

Tonight I want to talk about “relationships”.

Oooo some of you giggled and some of you quivered in fear.

I’m talking about all relationships – from friends, to lovers, to family, to coworkers, etc

Picture this:  You walk into a bar, you see someone you want to talk to, they look in your direction, they casually walk towards you with a smirk on that sexy face, you start to sweat … quick! You have social anxiety – what do you do?

Obviously, you don’t go out in the first place.  Come on, now.

Alright, alright.. I have had my share of times out dancing the night away – ONLY if my good friend, alcohol, is coming with me.  Let me explain..

Relationships are hard work regardless of what’s going on in your life.  Throw in a mental illness and you’re in for a show – whether it be a party or a ‘I’m going to curl up in a ball in this corner, now, please leave me alone’.

For the most part, making friends for me has been easy.  When I need to be, I throw on my disguise of, ‘strong, tough, bitch’ when I need it (and trust me, you don’t know how many people come up to me and say, ‘when I first met you, I was afraid of you’).  But deep down inside, all I want to do is be by myself.  Or maybe with a certain few people.

Let me tell you about some of the people in my life, first:

My family – I have the greatest family in the world (and no, I’m not being biased, they really are the greatest family in the world).  They have been through just as chaotic of a trip as I have, and have stuck by me the whole way.  No one will ever understand what I have been through, and will continue going through, but I will always have them there to support me.. and sometimes say, “Have you taken your meds?” “Are you sure you’re ok?” “You’re surprisingly happy, please don’t spend any money (etc)?” 😉

Someone else who is a very important role in my survival is my wonderful boyfriend – who had no idea what he was getting into when he started dating me, and for some crazy reason has still stuck by me for over a year.

He is the main reason why I wanted to write this.

Meeting someone is the easy part – getting to know someone is very hard – especially if you are dealing with things that ‘most’ people don’t understand.

Simple questions like, “So, what do you do for a living?” can send a shivering blade down your spine if you’ve lived like I have.

Do you go into details about why you just lost another amazing job?  Do you try and make up something like, “oh, the drive was brutal – I had to quit”? Do you try to explain how your boss discriminated against you, and there was nothing you could do about it?

Back when I was still very sick, on benzos and alcohol, I could lie up a storm – with being more clear headed, it’s harder to hide what’s really going on.  I cherish every new person that accepts me into their life, but it’s still a struggle to meet with someone one on one, in case I’m put into that situation where I have to talk about what’s really going on with me.

I don’t expect anyone to understand what is going on with me, why I react the way I do, why I do the things I do – but it’s hard, and tiring, to try and explain it to everyone I meet.  I wish I could just wear a badge on my forehead that said, “BIPOLAR” – wait, new tattoo idea?  (Just kidding, mom).

What I’m trying to say is.. I’m sorry if I don’t come out to your parties, I’m sorry if I don’t come over to visit, I’m sorry if I don’t always do the things you want me to do, I’m sorry if I’m not available (ever) – I’m literally shaking scared with anxiety because I don’t know what to do or say anymore.

But trust me.. I AM better than I was – and will only continue to get better.

..and I leave you with a picture of my (stuffed) STI’s and me. 😉

Image

For now, I bid you farewell,

xo

Lifestyles of the rich and famous

8 Feb

I guess I really haven’t told you about my self.

*ahem* Hello everyone, my name is Nicole, and I’m…. bipolar. (Might as well add social anxiety disorder to this, as well).

Outrageous right? I mean, who has bipolar these days? Alright, feels like everyone.  Or at least that’s what I hear.
I have been through things and done things that I assure you I am not proud of.

But would I change anything that has happened? Definitely not.  And after I start writing more about things that have happened, I’m sure you’ll think I’m crazy (unless you already know me, then you already know I’m crazy.
[Sidenote: I use the term ‘crazy’ as a humorous reference, in no way am I trying to offend anyone.]

I appreciate my life a whole lot more now, even though depression still lingers quite frequently.

When I was at my sickest, I met some of the sweetest, funnest, beautiful, amazing people, and got to do some pretty sweet stuff.  If I would have asked myself 10 years ago if I’d be modeling for anyone – I would have said HELL NO – but then BAM:

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I tried it out.  This is not me (well, yes, this is me, but not me..)  I would never be defined as a girly-girl, and I don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. But for some strange reason, I thought modeling would be fun (and it was!)

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I get anxiety attacks while I’m around people I love (no joke, Christmas was tough this year – and I LOVE my family).  But when I was doped up on benzodiazepines – nothing mattered.

Trixxx_Lusc_N9

Boob_shoot_Trixxx

…May I add benzos with a high amount  of alcohol.  Oh, did I forget to mention I turned into a raging alcoholic as well?

I was driving drunk, I drove into parked cars, I drove into a post in front of our local liquor store (in front of one of my coworkers at the time, perfect timing), I cheated, I lied, I broke hearts, I lied, I’d stop at green lights, I lied, I was less cautious, spent way more money that I didn’t have, I was hallucinating, I was mad/sad/happy/delirious/drunk, and this list could go on forever.  One of the worst parts is the amount that I had totally forgotten all of this – until I was so lovingly reminded after the fact.

OH and the hospital?  Yea, it was just like a loony bin off of horror movies – I was taken from my doctor’s office to underground tunnels, that were lined with dripping, creepy pipes, up to my room where the curtains had been ripped off the windows, had slimy yellow curtains, and even came with that crazy chick across the way that would yell in the middle of the night, and throw her lunch at me the next day.

It’s hard for me to put into words about where I want this entry to really go.  I guess we can say, this is just a start.

I don’t know what I’m doing folks, but it’s time I get something out there.

…and, because I said there would be cats – enter: Myelin

Myelin

Sorry for the rambly-ness of this blog.  My meds are kicking in now, and dopiness doesn’t really work well with typing.

Keep on, rockin’ on.

xo