Visibility.

 

I feel like I have been slacking..

It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re – well… depressed.

Today was an absolutely gorgeous, sunny day – and finally in 20+ degrees (that’s 68+ degrees for you American folk).

I thought about all these things I could be doing – “RE-PAINT THE OUTDOOR FURNITURE!”, “SHOP FOR MY MOM’S BIRTHDAY!”, “WORK ON MY PHOTOGRAPHY!”, “GO FOR A WALK!”, “GET FOOD – to.. eat, obviously”..

Guess what I did?

NOTHING.

Correction – I did finish up the new Netflix series, “Hemlock Grove“.  But aside from that.. Nothing.

No, I’m not lazy.  No, I’m not agoraphobic (I think?).  I just couldn’t do it.

Welcome to my life.

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It’s nice being in the “northern” part of Ontario, Canada.  Aside from the absolute beauty that is up here, it’s so remote – that I feel almost comfortable.  What I mean by that,  is, is that I feel like I can ‘disappear’ when I need to – and THAT is comfort to me.

Visibility.

I would love for someone who has never experienced any kind of anxiety to step into the shoes of someone who has to live it daily. Just for a moment. It’s terrifying.  You feel like you are -going to die-.  Yet, people still say, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, I don’t know – I just feel like my heart is going to explode, but go ahead and finish that cheeseburger – YOU’LL be fine”.

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My friend is dating a famous movie producer.  She is in multiple articles – and even has been ‘demoted’ in articles to, “-Arm candy”.
She is so fierce, and so – alive.  As much as I feel jealousy for her, I am so afraid.

She is in love with someone who will always be in the eyes of the world to see.

For someone living with social anxiety AND depression – you feel like you are being constantly watched, controlled, judged – but to be free-living and in the eye of society – I just, don’t know how she can do it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met (inside and out), I will swear that up and down – and definitely one of the strongest.

I just can’t ever imagine living a life like that.

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There are constantly a  million things running through my head.
Always.

Welcome to my life.