Tag Archives: dysthimia

Lifestyles of the rich and famous

8 Feb

I guess I really haven’t told you about my self.

*ahem* Hello everyone, my name is Nicole, and I’m…. bipolar. (Might as well add social anxiety disorder to this, as well).

Outrageous right? I mean, who has bipolar these days? Alright, feels like everyone.  Or at least that’s what I hear.
I have been through things and done things that I assure you I am not proud of.

But would I change anything that has happened? Definitely not.  And after I start writing more about things that have happened, I’m sure you’ll think I’m crazy (unless you already know me, then you already know I’m crazy.
[Sidenote: I use the term ‘crazy’ as a humorous reference, in no way am I trying to offend anyone.]

I appreciate my life a whole lot more now, even though depression still lingers quite frequently.

When I was at my sickest, I met some of the sweetest, funnest, beautiful, amazing people, and got to do some pretty sweet stuff.  If I would have asked myself 10 years ago if I’d be modeling for anyone – I would have said HELL NO – but then BAM:

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I tried it out.  This is not me (well, yes, this is me, but not me..)  I would never be defined as a girly-girl, and I don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. But for some strange reason, I thought modeling would be fun (and it was!)

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I get anxiety attacks while I’m around people I love (no joke, Christmas was tough this year – and I LOVE my family).  But when I was doped up on benzodiazepines – nothing mattered.

Trixxx_Lusc_N9

Boob_shoot_Trixxx

…May I add benzos with a high amount  of alcohol.  Oh, did I forget to mention I turned into a raging alcoholic as well?

I was driving drunk, I drove into parked cars, I drove into a post in front of our local liquor store (in front of one of my coworkers at the time, perfect timing), I cheated, I lied, I broke hearts, I lied, I’d stop at green lights, I lied, I was less cautious, spent way more money that I didn’t have, I was hallucinating, I was mad/sad/happy/delirious/drunk, and this list could go on forever.  One of the worst parts is the amount that I had totally forgotten all of this – until I was so lovingly reminded after the fact.

OH and the hospital?  Yea, it was just like a loony bin off of horror movies – I was taken from my doctor’s office to underground tunnels, that were lined with dripping, creepy pipes, up to my room where the curtains had been ripped off the windows, had slimy yellow curtains, and even came with that crazy chick across the way that would yell in the middle of the night, and throw her lunch at me the next day.

It’s hard for me to put into words about where I want this entry to really go.  I guess we can say, this is just a start.

I don’t know what I’m doing folks, but it’s time I get something out there.

…and, because I said there would be cats – enter: Myelin

Myelin

Sorry for the rambly-ness of this blog.  My meds are kicking in now, and dopiness doesn’t really work well with typing.

Keep on, rockin’ on.

xo

know hope.

31 Jan

It has to start somewhere, It has to start sometime
What better place than here, what better time than now?

– Guerrilla Radio by Rage Against the Machine

Welcome to my brain vomit.

I have been connecting with people over YouTube for a while now, and have wanted to reach out more.

About what? My life.  What I have had to go through, fight for, how I’ve survived, and how I’m still alive to this day.

You Don't Look Sick

Life is never easy – and it’s definitely not any easier when you’re living with a mental illness.  It seems today that ‘sane’ people are the new minority – mental illness is definitely not tucked away in the shadows anymore.  While awareness is one thing, the act of actually helping people who suffer every day is a completely other thing.  I’m sure you’d be surprised to know that agencies that are working for people who are sick like me – are the ones that have treated me the worse.  We are still so very far from getting the help and acceptance that we need.

I want to have this site not only as a way to get my words out to help me – but I want it to shed some light on how it is to live the way I have.

I am extremely lucky to be here today, and even luckier to have the people in my life that have helped me keep going.

 

 

Oh, and like any good madwoman – there are cats.

I’ll be sure to talk about them as well.

 

 

Stay tuned.

Nights.