Tag Archives: Life

Visibility.

1 May




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I feel like I have been slacking..

It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re – well… depressed.

Today was an absolutely gorgeous, sunny day – and finally in 20+ degrees (that’s 68+ degrees for you American folk).

I thought about all these things I could be doing – “RE-PAINT THE OUTDOOR FURNITURE!”, “SHOP FOR MY MOM’S BIRTHDAY!”, “WORK ON MY PHOTOGRAPHY!”, “GO FOR A WALK!”, “GET FOOD – to.. eat, obviously”..

Guess what I did?

NOTHING.

Correction – I did finish up the new Netflix series, “Hemlock Grove“.  But aside from that.. Nothing.

No, I’m not lazy.  No, I’m not agoraphobic (I think?).  I just couldn’t do it.

Welcome to my life.

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It’s nice being in the “northern” part of Ontario, Canada.  Aside from the absolute beauty that is up here, it’s so remote – that I feel almost comfortable.  What I mean by that,  is, is that I feel like I can ‘disappear’ when I need to – and THAT is comfort to me.

Visibility.

I would love for someone who has never experienced any kind of anxiety to step into the shoes of someone who has to live it daily. Just for a moment. It’s terrifying.  You feel like you are -going to die-.  Yet, people still say, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, I don’t know – I just feel like my heart is going to explode, but go ahead and finish that cheeseburger – YOU’LL be fine”.

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My friend is dating a famous movie producer.  She is in multiple articles – and even has been ‘demoted’ in articles to, “-Arm candy”.
She is so fierce, and so – alive.  As much as I feel jealousy for her, I am so afraid.

She is in love with someone who will always be in the eyes of the world to see.

For someone living with social anxiety AND depression – you feel like you are being constantly watched, controlled, judged – but to be free-living and in the eye of society – I just, don’t know how she can do it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met (inside and out), I will swear that up and down – and definitely one of the strongest.

I just can’t ever imagine living a life like that.

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There are constantly a  million things running through my head.
Always.

Welcome to my life.

 

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Through the Looking Glass

26 Mar

“Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?”
“I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

This past weekend really made me think.  It’s one thing to go through my own adventure, it’s another thing to try and explain it to someone else who will be reading through my eyes.

Trust.

Honesty.

I realized it is one thing to explain something to someone –  that has nearly destroyed your life – to actually being able to live through hearing this.

It’s not only about telling “my” story – it’s about telling the story of those who have lived it with me.

How can I explain to someone, what it’s like to love someone with bipolar and depression?  I’m not the one looking from the other side of the glass.

It’s not even about me.  This is about those who love me – who love you.  It’s one thing to be able to say, “This is how I am feeling right now”, – but what about the people that are living with us – loving us – trying to understand and comfort us.

How can I explain to someone “What It’s All About” – when I’m on the wrong side of the mirror – What is it like for parent’s to see their child going through this?  To hear that their child has been admitted to a hospital because they tried to kill themselves?  To know that something is going on wrong chemically inside a loved ones mind?

I’m not on that side of the mirror.  And it hurts me to think of being on that side of mirror –  even more, knowing I put people on that side of the mirror.

When will it be ‘okay’ to talk about mental illness?

When will it be okay to actually live with a mental illness?

xo