Hello, and welcome back to the RING – OF – INSANITY!
*crowd cheering*
Anyways,
Tonight I want to talk about “relationships”.
Oooo some of you giggled and some of you quivered in fear.
I’m talking about all relationships – from friends, to lovers, to family, to coworkers, etc
Picture this: You walk into a bar, you see someone you want to talk to, they look in your direction, they casually walk towards you with a smirk on that sexy face, you start to sweat … quick! You have social anxiety – what do you do?
Obviously, you don’t go out in the first place. Come on, now.
Alright, alright.. I have had my share of times out dancing the night away – ONLY if my good friend, alcohol, is coming with me. Let me explain..
Relationships are hard work regardless of what’s going on in your life. Throw in a mental illness and you’re in for a show – whether it be a party or a ‘I’m going to curl up in a ball in this corner, now, please leave me alone’.
For the most part, making friends for me has been easy. When I need to be, I throw on my disguise of, ‘strong, tough, bitch’ when I need it (and trust me, you don’t know how many people come up to me and say, ‘when I first met you, I was afraid of you’). But deep down inside, all I want to do is be by myself. Or maybe with a certain few people.
Let me tell you about some of the people in my life, first:
My family – I have the greatest family in the world (and no, I’m not being biased, they really are the greatest family in the world). They have been through just as chaotic of a trip as I have, and have stuck by me the whole way. No one will ever understand what I have been through, and will continue going through, but I will always have them there to support me.. and sometimes say, “Have you taken your meds?” “Are you sure you’re ok?” “You’re surprisingly happy, please don’t spend any money (etc)?” 😉
Someone else who is a very important role in my survival is my wonderful boyfriend – who had no idea what he was getting into when he started dating me, and for some crazy reason has still stuck by me for over a year.
He is the main reason why I wanted to write this.
Meeting someone is the easy part – getting to know someone is very hard – especially if you are dealing with things that ‘most’ people don’t understand.
Simple questions like, “So, what do you do for a living?” can send a shivering blade down your spine if you’ve lived like I have.
Do you go into details about why you just lost another amazing job? Do you try and make up something like, “oh, the drive was brutal – I had to quit”? Do you try to explain how your boss discriminated against you, and there was nothing you could do about it?
Back when I was still very sick, on benzos and alcohol, I could lie up a storm – with being more clear headed, it’s harder to hide what’s really going on. I cherish every new person that accepts me into their life, but it’s still a struggle to meet with someone one on one, in case I’m put into that situation where I have to talk about what’s really going on with me.
I don’t expect anyone to understand what is going on with me, why I react the way I do, why I do the things I do – but it’s hard, and tiring, to try and explain it to everyone I meet. I wish I could just wear a badge on my forehead that said, “BIPOLAR” – wait, new tattoo idea? (Just kidding, mom).
What I’m trying to say is.. I’m sorry if I don’t come out to your parties, I’m sorry if I don’t come over to visit, I’m sorry if I don’t always do the things you want me to do, I’m sorry if I’m not available (ever) – I’m literally shaking scared with anxiety because I don’t know what to do or say anymore.
But trust me.. I AM better than I was – and will only continue to get better.
..and I leave you with a picture of my (stuffed) STI’s and me. 😉
For now, I bid you farewell,
xo
