Tag Archives: Mental disorder


17 Aug

“A moment of consideration often prevents a thousand apologies”
― Kevin J. Anderson

I apologize for not writing more often.  My head has been all over the place this year, and it’s been hard to want to write about… anything, really.

This past month I spent my time “down unda’” – in New Zealand and Australia.  It was an amazing trip – beautiful country, adorable animals, and wonderful people.  As much as I loved this trip, I was reminded of how much we still need to teach people about mental illness.

For me, when I get too overwhelmed/anxious/nervous/etc, I tend to retreat to a space that I have (wherever I am) where I can be alone, to calm down.  My parent’s are well aware of me doing this, so when I randomly just walk away, and curl into a ball in my room, they understand that I need that time to recoup.  I didn’t think about this for my trip.  My mom was worried about me going and I couldn’t understand why – I mean, I’ve told people in NZ that I’m living with a sometimes debilitating illness, so I thought I’d be fine.  I guess for me, I don’t see myself on the outside – I don’t know what it looks like to someone else when I ‘disappear’, or don’t want to partake in activities because it’ll just be too much for me.

I don’t think I made the best first impression for meeting my partner’s family.

Anytime I was around someone, my heart would would try to force it’s way out of my chest (I swear, haha), but I’d try really, really hard to keep my cool.  Questions would race through my head, all day – every day, “Am I standing right? Do I look awful? Should I be doing this? Maybe I should be doing that? Maybe I should help with this? Maybe I should say that? I wonder if they think I’m good enough? I wonder if they think I’m overweight? I wonder if they think I should talk more?” etc etc.  This alone – is exhausting.  And you can’t tell me, “Just stop thinking like that.”  It doesn’t work like that.  I don’t want to feel or act like that, but I was on edge most of the time.

I realize going into this trip, that I wasn’t the most ‘picture perfect’ partner to bring home to meet mom.  Currently unemployed, ‘ill’, and on top of it, people viewed me as being ‘lazy’, because my comfort zone, was often the bedroom that I had wherever I stayed – as it was a place I could shut the door, and then shut down myself.   But I thought that shouldn’t matter – I make Matt happyTHAT’S what should matter.

A month is not nearly enough time to get to know someone, though.  It would have been nice sitting down with everyone and talking about what goes on in my chaotic brain, so that they would hopefully see me in a more positive light.  When you’re travelling all over a country, a month sure isn’t long enough to explain anything about yourself, so I guess that was my disadvantage.

I think when it comes down to it, it’s all about learning, and wanting to learn.  I’ve always said, if there’s ever a question you want to ask me – ask me!  Nothing is too intrusive, stupid, obnoxious – just ask me.  I’d rather people learn about me, than to judge me negatively before getting to know me.  I understand that if you were never faced with the issue of mental illness, then why would you spend the extra time to learn about it?  It’s kind of like learning to fix your car – I’ve never had the desire to learn, and haven’t been faced with having to fix it on my own (despite my ‘awesome’ luck with cars needing to be fixed) – so why learn about it?  The less you know, the easier life appears to be.   I sometimes wish I didn’t learn about half the things I’ve seen and done – it paints an atrocious picture.

There are people in my life that are still learning about how to live with me and I hope they will continue to learn.  It’s hard every time the wrong chord is struck, but I have to realize  that no one knows what it’s like to be in my shoes – and so I can’t expect them to understand me all the time.  I just have to keep teaching them about myself, and hopefully keep a good flow of communication.

It’s never easy though..

Don’t get me wrong – the good far outweighed the bad, and I absolutely loved this trip!

DSCN5429Fur Seals in Kaikoura

Through the Looking Glass

26 Mar

“Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?”
“I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

This past weekend really made me think.  It’s one thing to go through my own adventure, it’s another thing to try and explain it to someone else who will be reading through my eyes.



I realized it is one thing to explain something to someone –  that has nearly destroyed your life – to actually being able to live through hearing this.

It’s not only about telling “my” story – it’s about telling the story of those who have lived it with me.

How can I explain to someone, what it’s like to love someone with bipolar and depression?  I’m not the one looking from the other side of the glass.

It’s not even about me.  This is about those who love me – who love you.  It’s one thing to be able to say, “This is how I am feeling right now”, – but what about the people that are living with us – loving us – trying to understand and comfort us.

How can I explain to someone “What It’s All About” – when I’m on the wrong side of the mirror – What is it like for parent’s to see their child going through this?  To hear that their child has been admitted to a hospital because they tried to kill themselves?  To know that something is going on wrong chemically inside a loved ones mind?

I’m not on that side of the mirror.  And it hurts me to think of being on that side of mirror –  even more, knowing I put people on that side of the mirror.

When will it be ‘okay’ to talk about mental illness?

When will it be okay to actually live with a mental illness?


Lifestyles of the rich and famous

8 Feb

I guess I really haven’t told you about my self.

*ahem* Hello everyone, my name is Nicole, and I’m…. bipolar. (Might as well add social anxiety disorder to this, as well).

Outrageous right? I mean, who has bipolar these days? Alright, feels like everyone.  Or at least that’s what I hear.
I have been through things and done things that I assure you I am not proud of.

But would I change anything that has happened? Definitely not.  And after I start writing more about things that have happened, I’m sure you’ll think I’m crazy (unless you already know me, then you already know I’m crazy.
[Sidenote: I use the term ‘crazy’ as a humorous reference, in no way am I trying to offend anyone.]

I appreciate my life a whole lot more now, even though depression still lingers quite frequently.

When I was at my sickest, I met some of the sweetest, funnest, beautiful, amazing people, and got to do some pretty sweet stuff.  If I would have asked myself 10 years ago if I’d be modeling for anyone – I would have said HELL NO – but then BAM:

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I tried it out.  This is not me (well, yes, this is me, but not me..)  I would never be defined as a girly-girl, and I don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. But for some strange reason, I thought modeling would be fun (and it was!)

Adam Gaverluk Photography

I get anxiety attacks while I’m around people I love (no joke, Christmas was tough this year – and I LOVE my family).  But when I was doped up on benzodiazepines – nothing mattered.



…May I add benzos with a high amount  of alcohol.  Oh, did I forget to mention I turned into a raging alcoholic as well?

I was driving drunk, I drove into parked cars, I drove into a post in front of our local liquor store (in front of one of my coworkers at the time, perfect timing), I cheated, I lied, I broke hearts, I lied, I’d stop at green lights, I lied, I was less cautious, spent way more money that I didn’t have, I was hallucinating, I was mad/sad/happy/delirious/drunk, and this list could go on forever.  One of the worst parts is the amount that I had totally forgotten all of this – until I was so lovingly reminded after the fact.

OH and the hospital?  Yea, it was just like a loony bin off of horror movies – I was taken from my doctor’s office to underground tunnels, that were lined with dripping, creepy pipes, up to my room where the curtains had been ripped off the windows, had slimy yellow curtains, and even came with that crazy chick across the way that would yell in the middle of the night, and throw her lunch at me the next day.

It’s hard for me to put into words about where I want this entry to really go.  I guess we can say, this is just a start.

I don’t know what I’m doing folks, but it’s time I get something out there.

…and, because I said there would be cats – enter: Myelin


Sorry for the rambly-ness of this blog.  My meds are kicking in now, and dopiness doesn’t really work well with typing.

Keep on, rockin’ on.


know hope.

31 Jan

It has to start somewhere, It has to start sometime
What better place than here, what better time than now?

– Guerrilla Radio by Rage Against the Machine

Welcome to my brain vomit.

I have been connecting with people over YouTube for a while now, and have wanted to reach out more.

About what? My life.  What I have had to go through, fight for, how I’ve survived, and how I’m still alive to this day.

You Don't Look Sick

Life is never easy – and it’s definitely not any easier when you’re living with a mental illness.  It seems today that ‘sane’ people are the new minority – mental illness is definitely not tucked away in the shadows anymore.  While awareness is one thing, the act of actually helping people who suffer every day is a completely other thing.  I’m sure you’d be surprised to know that agencies that are working for people who are sick like me – are the ones that have treated me the worse.  We are still so very far from getting the help and acceptance that we need.

I want to have this site not only as a way to get my words out to help me – but I want it to shed some light on how it is to live the way I have.

I am extremely lucky to be here today, and even luckier to have the people in my life that have helped me keep going.



Oh, and like any good madwoman – there are cats.

I’ll be sure to talk about them as well.



Stay tuned.