Tag Archives: mental illness

Out with the Old, in with the New Year.

24 Jan

This is my brain
And it’s fine
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect
But it’s mine
-Tim Minchin

 

So, I’m kind of really bad for keeping up with online things (my YouTube channel is way behind, and now this).

I apologize.

But I must say, things are good!

Since we last got together, you and I, I have become more healthy in the mind than I ever have – and by that I mean, I successfully came off of the dreaded Effexor.  If you’ve never heard of it, you’re lucky, if you have heard of it – I hope you never have to deal with it yourself.

Let me start from the beginning…

I started Effexor roughly 2 years ago.  At the time, I was still diagnosed with Bipolar (II), but given the very little time any psych doc spent with me, they wouldn’t really know my true diagnosis at the time (I’ll get to that).  The doctor at the time wanted to make sure I was on the strongest dose of one of the nastiest antidepressants out there, and boy did it suck.

I was still very sick – as you can recall, I lost jobs, and have been an emotional mess.  This made me so frustrated, that I was going to come off these damn meds myself if it killed me (scary thing is, they very well could have).  So I called everyone I could think of who could switch my meds (without having to go back to London) and finally was able to meet up with a psych doc via video conferencing (Oooo! Fancy technology!). [Sidenote:  there are NO psychiatrists where I live, and also no available doctors.  You’d think I was living in the middle of nowhere.]  Anyways, I met with the doctor and within minutes he was telling me about how the drugs I’m on are potentially making my ‘episodes’ even worse.  Great.  After telling my life story to what feels like the millionth person, he said that what I have is actually Rapid Cycling Bipolar along with Bipolar I (which makes WAY more sense).  So, on wards to my journey.

Coming off Effexor was pure hell. I have survived benzodiazepine withdrawal, and now this.  This hurricane in my head, making me dizzy, emotional, nauseous, wanting to stab my head – it was brutal.  I even went to the ER because I was sure I was dying (and I really, REALLY hate going to the ER).  While I was there, the doctor’s request was to just, “go back on them” to make the spins stop.  Um, no thanks.  I also stupidly decided to taper right before Christmas, which meant I was sick for Christmas, New Years, and then my 29th birthday a couple weeks after.

BOO.

Ah, but now… since tapering off, my head seems so much clearer, and I now have energy to do stuff again.  It’s really like a breath of fresh air.  Also, my mom has been pushing me to get my photos out to the world, so I’m slowly doing that as well (come visit me at: http://nicoleelliott.wix.com/nicoleleephotography !!!)

I am, unfortunately, back on a new med – Abilify – because everyone around me seems to think I MUST be medicated.  Someday I really hope to be free of it all, though. Maybe old age will rid me of my mental sickness and I’ll feel like I’m 29 all over again and live the life I’ve always wanted.

Until then, this is me.
Now to get rid of the remaining side effects..

Hope you are all doing well!

 

P.S. I don’t think I’ve even talked about the newest addition to the family –
Meet Basal! Our tripaw’d bengal kitten!! He is a little ball of destruction, but we love him 🙂

http://nicoleelliott.wix.com/nicoleleephotography

 

Donkeys… because… LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY ARE..

 

http://nicoleelliott.wix.com/nicoleleephotography

 

Ragged Falls – Oxtongue River Provincial Park, just before we got totally dumped on with snow 🙂

 

http://nicoleelliott.wix.com/nicoleleephotography

Visibility.

1 May




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I feel like I have been slacking..

It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re – well… depressed.

Today was an absolutely gorgeous, sunny day – and finally in 20+ degrees (that’s 68+ degrees for you American folk).

I thought about all these things I could be doing – “RE-PAINT THE OUTDOOR FURNITURE!”, “SHOP FOR MY MOM’S BIRTHDAY!”, “WORK ON MY PHOTOGRAPHY!”, “GO FOR A WALK!”, “GET FOOD – to.. eat, obviously”..

Guess what I did?

NOTHING.

Correction – I did finish up the new Netflix series, “Hemlock Grove“.  But aside from that.. Nothing.

No, I’m not lazy.  No, I’m not agoraphobic (I think?).  I just couldn’t do it.

Welcome to my life.

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It’s nice being in the “northern” part of Ontario, Canada.  Aside from the absolute beauty that is up here, it’s so remote – that I feel almost comfortable.  What I mean by that,  is, is that I feel like I can ‘disappear’ when I need to – and THAT is comfort to me.

Visibility.

I would love for someone who has never experienced any kind of anxiety to step into the shoes of someone who has to live it daily. Just for a moment. It’s terrifying.  You feel like you are -going to die-.  Yet, people still say, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, I don’t know – I just feel like my heart is going to explode, but go ahead and finish that cheeseburger – YOU’LL be fine”.

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My friend is dating a famous movie producer.  She is in multiple articles – and even has been ‘demoted’ in articles to, “-Arm candy”.
She is so fierce, and so – alive.  As much as I feel jealousy for her, I am so afraid.

She is in love with someone who will always be in the eyes of the world to see.

For someone living with social anxiety AND depression – you feel like you are being constantly watched, controlled, judged – but to be free-living and in the eye of society – I just, don’t know how she can do it.

She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met (inside and out), I will swear that up and down – and definitely one of the strongest.

I just can’t ever imagine living a life like that.

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There are constantly a  million things running through my head.
Always.

Welcome to my life.

 

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